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ugh

i need to get more hours. keep plugging away at CL, no new dish jobs...

the economy may yet recover... i can keep washing the dishes of rich people. keep saving.

a choice comes up, i can buy guns, or i can leave.

buying guns presupposes a place where i can put them, which may not exist much longer. i suspect the people i am currently living with have had their fill of me, and would love to cast me out.

such is as it will always be. i never should have expected anything else.

how is it that such a cold certainty has taken me, that i will again be cast out, as the lowest of the low? look there, he has no support network! all that he has earned he kept for himself, so that when his fortunes ebbed, no one stood by his side... but look deeper! even when he was most generous, and most gracious, when his fortunes turned, STILL no one stood by his side, because, lo and behold, he had NOTHING! how many iterations of this story have i witnessed, from the mouths of all the hard-luck fucks i have met?


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there are a few people in this world i owe gratitude to... and i wish to repay these debts as quickly as possible... why throw this money around? make others indebted to me that will not pay, or obligate myself to others whom i can never pay back... every generosity implies a debt, it would be boorish to think otherwise... and thus one must be selective in giving and receiving, and take care to minimize one's debts to others...

but then, being in another's debt creates a feeling of power in that other, which may transmute of its own volition into a spirit of goodwill, and to deny them this would be deemed to be an insult... so where's the line to tread here?

therefore in all social interactions that lead to the exchange/gifting of material goods or services, other monetary expenditure, etc. one must always keep an eye to one's level of debt regarding each individual "creditor" as it were...

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STEPS TO TAKE

limit friendships to save money. most friends want to do things that cost money. this is logical.

continue trying to acquire more hours. more hours = more money.

limit honesty in social interactions to maintain good will, or at least indifference. it is better to be unknown than to draw contempt that cannot be repaid. i must always remember to lie when asked about my current status. there are 4 acceptable answers to the question "how are you doing?" and its variants. these are "good", "decent", "pretty good", and "pretty decent".

put the thought of female companionship out of mind. not only does this cost an exorbitant amount, but also i must keep in mind that all i have to offer is money, and that is what i am trying to save. face it. my teeth are rotten, i don't have enough money to take care of them, hell i will NEVER be able to save up that much, EVER. i don't have any sympathy for anything (or anyone) to offer, so this will deduct points as well... there's nothing here to want except money, and that is what i will not let go of. so put it out of mind, there is NO hope here whatsoever.

no woman truly likes a cold, heartless personality... and if one does, you must avoid her like the plague, because she will ruin you. ground that is well trodden here...

only hookers can provide what i need, and they are too expensive here, chalk one point for the leaving the country option... just to fuck someone... without paying an arm and a leg, without pretending to be someone else, without having to feel anything... is that so much to ask?

be with someone HERE? no. you can't afford it. don't even think about it. yes that cute one. with the freckled complexion. hell, any of them. you have nothing to offer them. you will remember this. you will not expose what is behind that wall that you have built, because the wall was built for a REASON. you will remember this. you will overcome your urges to relate, to be close, because these are counterproductive to the smooth uneventful existence that will gain you enough money for your freedom.

do you understand? DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?

you fool. your eyes wander, and retreat. lock them forward. you will not falter. this notion of completion, it is a lie, your flesh lies, as it wishes to lie with. do you understand?

go forth, then. watch your life fall apart, watch people cast you away, one by one, until you are alone, like you always knew you would be.

fuck your money away, and die. you have tarried too long on this earth, burdened too many. but i will wait, as i always have, ever since the beginning... and someday soon, we will be one.

home. going home.

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