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autopilot. automatic. i took a vacation inside, somewhere. and without drugs! pure mental control, woke up on the wrong side of the mattress, gonna be a real shitty day, wanted to start morning by drinking but could not, so just shut down, and goodness it was blissful, but for that moment i came back to myself when i could not find the scraper... i wasn't there today, so that i would not be an ungrateful asshole. yes. there. so i disappeared, for everyone's benefit.

i must fine tune this "disappearing" so that operating above a base sentience level is facile. but how to avoid that level of awareness where my anger expression threshold decreases (all anger beneath said threshold are assumed to be supressed, believed only betrayed by facial expression, which isolating myself can hide.)

and this was fucking WEIRD. when i lost it over the scraper, going back into the automaton mode produced very slow reactions and movements. the ability became sluggish... maintaining my equanimity became unacceptably expensive in the terms of productivity reduction. or, this may be attributed to caffeine losing its effect.

oh well. i can keep experimenting with this. it is nice to have. a bubble where nothing gets in, and nothing comes out. it has been so long since i have felt this, and i did it without drugs, just willed it. coffee for energy. on. work. off. amazing. i love it.

a new tool in the repertoire.

i needed beer. badly. i went and bought an arrogant bastard, because i had not had one in forever, and for keeping the bottle. got some funny looks walking through neighborhood streets with it, but i did not want to wait, did not have room for it in my pack, did not want to keep carrying it when i felt it constantly slipping out of my dishpan hands, and did not want to walk down main streets and risk being stopped by police in that belligerent state.

whatever. i am living, i think. havent had the time or the inclination to go to a liquor store just yet, but i think the time will come soon. the holidays seem to do that.

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