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Mar. 2nd, 2012

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6d 65 6e 73 63 68 6c 69 63 68 65 73 2c 20 61 6c 6c 7a 75 6d 65 6e 73 63 68 6c 69 63 68 65 73

109 101 110 115 99 104 108 105 99 104 101 115 44 32 97 108 108 122 117 109 101 110 115 99 104 108 105 99 104 101 115

human, all too human.


can't even wash dishes well. what the fuck are you good for? you should be erased, worthless being. there is nothing left here for you, pass away, disappear, this is what i keep hearing inside, a feeling without a voice, a voice without feeling.

there's something there, that's always just the slightest bit out of reach, i try to grasp it and it slips away. why am i so bitter? i cannot just be because i've stopped doing drugs. i know plenty of people that have quit drugs and feel much better, happier, healthier, so what the fuck happened here? confusion reigns supreme, i feel incompetent, at life, at existing, which certainly gives me no additional protection from the nagging feeling always at the corner of my mind that this should end.

i am deeply afraid. i do not know of what. i pray to... the earth? i do not know why. being alone is cheaper. no friends = no expenses. how did i arrive at this conclusion?

where are you going? where have you been? wherever you go, people dislike you, whether they try to get to know you, fail, and begrudge your silence, or succeed and despise what they should never have been opened to...

get used to not being liked, don't let it bother you overmuch, just get the fuck back to work, and pound the fuck out of the pavement on monday. don't give up, don't give up, this is not the end. i can't believe i believed the guy at red robin who told me he'd try to hook me up with extra hours, and passed up TWO opportunities that week, you lazy fuck, don't want to face rejection, don't want to get to know new people, and CERTAINLY don't want new people to get to know ME. i will get out. nothing will stop me from getting out. i will crawl out of here if i have to, scraped down to the bone, but i will not die here.

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Zikk Maabus Invictus
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