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break

break, you will not break?

so much hate. i must contain it.

there is nothing left to you, except carrion comfort?

something hurts. this cute little ginger at work, she tried to be nice, she was so adorable, so upbeat, she made me smile for half a second... and no more. smiles disappear from me like they were sucked into a void, like the sun through a blanket of fast-moving clouds, never shining for more than a minute or two...

how much longer will this go on? will i be on the streets again?

i feel any sense of hope decaying at the notion, 15 hours next week, i am not happy enough for them, so the money disappears. i must try to pretend to be happier, so i can get more money, it does not do to just be miserable.

todd spoke of going out, drinking with people, i wish he knew just how bad of an idea that was for me... it has been so long, there has been so much anger lodged inside, i want to cave someone's skull in with my fists, but see... i cannot do this, i cannot be imprisoned, within a prison, so there can never be an escape.

because: one day i will die. but not here.

do you understand? in a world where friendships, relationships, become financial liabilities, it is better to be alone. but then withdraw too far, and people cast you out to the streets, but feel obligated to socialize, and it generates resentment. i cannot win, either way.

so much anger, i just want to hit someone, until they stop moving, until they stop breathing. i do not understand it anymore. i cannot speak her name, everyone else just lies. underneath it all, i am afraid. i do not even know the source. fear, rage, all consuming emptiness, dry of tears, the light blinds me, drives needles into my skull, it was so much easier being high on dxm all the time...

that is gone from me, i shed it like an old skin, it does not fit me anymore. so open the doors to pain that you tried so hard to barricade with drugs, it is yours, surrounds you like new skin...

and the same emptiness i sought so desperately becomes the same emptiness that tempts me to end it all. up division, probably a few hundred dollars at the most. i have more than enough. walk towards the woods i see in the distance from the downtown bridge, somewhere far enough that no one ever finds me, and i just feed the creatures of this earth... load one hollow-point round, put my mouth around the barrel, make sure it is aimed straight back towards the base of the skull, fire with the thumb, good night. i keep seeing this over and over. it haunts me at night, tickles my consciousness during the day. i distract myself from it with the latest news and world events, or some stupid computer game... and at work i tell myself it will not be here, and this is hope. if i told someone this, would they understand? would they care? and why should they? i care little enough as it is.

i don't want this anymore. my hands shake at these keys, i do not want this anymore.

i need more alcohol. i need to stay up, less sleep = better mood. i cannot afford to lose this job because i am too well rested.

and what everyone sees, will be a mask. i do not care if they see through it, they will never call me on it, and i cannot be punished for it. so fuck them all... i didn't want to even LIVE, anyway, so what matters what they think? i need money, this is all i know, this is all i will accept. no one will come close to me, because no one will take this away from me, friendship and love be damned.

it is mine, as much as anything could be mine.

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